Food Fight!: Tender Juicy vs. SwiftOctober 28, 2018
- Rob ChamWords
Welcome, everyone, to Food Fight. Each week, we pit food items against each other and let you guys hash out the winner for yourselves through the comments section. Throw in some art stylings by yours truly, no control over what people say in the comments section, and a couple of confused readers who don’t realize we’re doing a poll, and everybody leaves having had a good time. Just like college.
This week, we’ll be looking at phallic food objects, namely, hotdogs. However, before we get to the meat (hehe) of this week’s Food Fight, I’d like to turn this into somewhat of a personal thing first, if you all don’t mind.
Romance is in the air, you see.
Pepper.ph readers, I met the most amazing girl last week, and I don’t even know her name. It’s a shame, also terribly stupid on my part. But, I’d like to think that my situation is still fixable. I’d like to see her again, and hopefully you guys can help me somehow. Through the power of the Internet.
Yes, we’re now all in one of those romcom films where the guy gets on a public broadcasting platform to yell out sweet and sentimental stuff on the off-chance that the universe is a romantic, and fudges events to ensure the person our protagonist is trying to talk to hears what he has to say. It’s a totally implausible situation in real life. For all we know, the girl could be dead.
Anyway, here are my own sweet and sentimental whatevers. If anyone knows who this girl is, please tell her I want to see her again. Ask all your female friends, “Hey did you see this awkward looking Chinese man cry in front of you for no reason, recently? Did he then proceeded to hug you in uncomfortable ways that made you reach for your pepper spray?”
I’m the guy who did that, point them in my direction, towards me, the guy who writes and draws things for Pepper.ph. “Remember that guy? Facebook him! Then Marry him. Have his children and be disappointed at how your life turned out together.”
I may have made up some (all) of those things I mentioned had happened. Just trying to spice things up, shake the foundations, try and see if people would keep reading past a certain point.
If you are still reading up to this point, know that I cherish you.
Anyway, enough distractions. Let’s check who won last week’s ketchup throw down.
KETCH! UP! THROW! DOWN! (get it?) RESULTS:
Heinz – IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I -36
Del Monte – IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII IIIII I -31
And Heinz wins! Barely. I expected this to be more one sided than how it turned out. Ah, well.
Congratulations to the winner, the consequences of this vote hopefully will repercuss throughout the ages.
Now, onto this week’s fight that will be commented upon by you, the reader: Hotdogs!
Purefood’s Tender Juicy vs Swift’s Mighty Meaty
We all love hot dogs. We’ve stuffed our faces with them at barbecues, parties, and kinsinieras. As children, our moods were easily appeased by hotdogs. They kept us quiet and out of trouble, or into trouble. I for one, saw the danger of children with pointy sticks. Anyway, they are just that great.
Kid’s can tell. But, can you?
Swift’s Mighty Meaty
I don’t know the slogan, so I can’t come up with something as corny as the last paragraph. I’m sorry.
On a slightly different note, an interesting thing happened when I Google image searched this week’s contestants. Swift Hot Dogs yields:
That’s pretty amazing.
I want to vote for Swift just because it made this great Internet thing happen.
Another weird find, Swift’s Tender Juicy, the unknown love child of our two rivals.
Now, it’s your turn to vote in the comments for either Tender Juicy or Swift’s Mighty Meaty.
By the way, never do food fights in real life, it’s a waste of food. Next week, we tally the results and I hopefully come up with a better closing line.