9 Food Mascots That Will Haunt Your NightmaresNovember 11, 2018
- Adee de LeonWords
I’ve always been fascinated by dreams. Our minds seem to enjoy filling our heads with the most random elements from our everyday life the moment we close our eyes. And since I enjoy torturing you guys with the most random food-related stuff I find on the web, I thought I’d see if I can put these creepy food mascots into your head before you sleep tonight. Sleep tight, kiddos!
1. Tropical Hut’s Burgee
Is there any way to not be spooked out by a living burger man staring at you with eyes colder than a night at Winterfell? Burgee looks like a bad Halloween costume that’s been possessed by the ghost of an angry elf (hence the red and green attire). If my future kid ever misbehaves, I’d take them to a Tropical Hut party for punishment.
2. Bigg Mixx Cereal’s Moose-Pig- Chicken-Wolf Horror
On paper, it must’ve sounded like a great idea to combine four of Kellogg’s cereal products into one great package. But the fine line between genius and madness was not only crossed, but obliterated, when they came up with this mascot. It’s supposed to represent the combined appetites of a moose, chicken, wolf and pig, but surely there are better ways to convey that idea rather than use this thing, right? I wonder, do the wolf parts look at the pig or chicken bits and feel hungry?
3. Quiznos Spongmonkeys
Originally, the Spongmonkeys were a popular Internet phenomenon. Unlike Grumpy Cat, its crossover into commercial ventures received mixed results. If you even have to ask why, just look at them real hard. If you see nothing wrong, then congratulations, you’ve just won a free indefinite stay at Mandaluyong’s acclaimed mental health spa. In there, you are free to sing the Spongmonkey song as often as you want, as long as it’s not “calm down and drink your damn pills” time.
4. Le Cochon Prodigue Sausage
It’s hard enough to enjoy meat when you think of the animals that got slaughtered to please your tastebuds, so when I saw this vintage poster of a pig enjoying self-mutilation, I had to pause and ask myself if the designer got enough hugs as a kid. Abominations like this have to be rooted in horrifying childhood experiences. Why didn’t his teacher or parents call a psychiatrist when they saw him doodling? Were they too afraid?
5. Jack in the Box’s Smiling Slenderman
This mascot is creepy on a lot of levels. Jack (sort-of) resembles a clown, and I really hate clowns. He also (kind of) looks like Slenderman’s city dwelling cousin. His blank face (with a nose that’s sharp enough to be a murder weapon) and its suspiciously permanent smile does nothing to inspire trust. He’s a character I would put in a PSA to warn kids not to accept food from strangers.
6. Sugar Krinkles’ Clown from Hell
Speaking of clowns, here’s one that makes the Joker look like a Teletubby. My God, if you don’t have nightmares from this, please consider if watching the movie “It” repeatedly has erased your soul. I bet plenty of kids have been up early not because they want to eat this breakfast cereal ahead of everyone, but because they couldn’t sleep when this box of evil was lurking so near their kitchen knives.
7. The Original Ronald McDonald
Can we stop with the freaking clowns already?! Today’s Ronald McDonald is still a bit creepy, but he doesn’t hold a candle to what he used to look like. Can you see the malice in his gaze? Do you dare refuse the food he’s served? Did you bring a change of pants for the inevitable soiling that’s sure to occur? Not that it matters if you do, since it might be your last day on Earth anyway.
8. The Original Jollibee
Next to Manny Pacquiao, Jollibee might be our country’s most beloved pop culture figure. What you probably don’t know is he used to look like the unholy offspring of Satan and a particularly slutty bee. He could pass as a Marvel villain. If Ghost Rider stared into his eyes, he would be the one crying out in pain, not this bee.
9. Burger King: Lord of Creeps
I don’t really need to say much about the King to explain his creepiness. I know better than to over-season something that’s already incredible on its own. I’ll just leave you with these commercials that show him creeping up unexpectedly in places that he really shouldn’t. As the ultimate creeper, I’m hoping he shows up in your dreams tonight as well.
I enjoyed writing this list, but what’s creepy to me (clowns) may not be creepy at all to you. Share your own tales of horror, the comments section is always open. I’m always happy to see what you guys uncover from the Internet’s darkest corners.