7 Ways to Get to Second Base with Your FoodAugust 26, 2018
- Serna EstrellaWords
Unless you were born in a Petri dish, you were probably breast-fed. And that was perhaps the beginning of a lifelong fixation with fully-developed lady lumps. Unfortunately, getting caught with your head between a pair becomes increasingly unacceptable as you get older.
Except if that particular pair happened to be truly edible. So, feel free to feast on the following t(r)eats* that are all inspired by the glorious female bosom. This way, you can freely say, “Can I have a bite of that breast?” without sounding like too much of a pervert.
This soft, creamy cheese hails from Galicia, Spain, and was so named for its shape: an inviting, round lump that tapers up to a nipple-like tip. Although its name is Galician for “small breast”, a hunk of this cheese weighs a minimum 1.1 pounds (as compared to 0.5 pound, the average weight of A-cup breasts). Try fitting that into a training bra. Ouch.
2. Téton de Venus
Translated as “breast of Venus”, these heart-shaped tomatoes have pointed ends, and usually hang in pairs. They are known to be solid, meaty, and sweet, just like their voluptuous goddess namesake. And if you’re a bit shy about biting into one of these, fret not, for they also make a savory, full-bodied sauce.
If you can’t stand tomatoes, sink your teeth into a peach instead. The French also call them by the same cheeky nickname.
3. Papo de Anjo
Though its name is Portuguese for “angel’s double chin”, this baked egg yolk pastry is also known as an “angel’s teat”. However, the naughty moniker conceals its religious roots. Back in the 14th or 15th century, Portuguese convents and monasteries took in laundry.
The nuns and monks used egg whites for starching the clothes, so they ended up with a surplus of egg yolks. Not wanting these to go to waste, they whipped the yolks into a thick batter, and baked them in a muffin pan. The little cakes were then boiled lightly in syrup (which was flavored with rum, vanilla, or orange peel). Nowadays, they are sometimes topped with a clove or candied cherry “nipple”.
4. Minni di Sant’Agata
These “breasts of St. Agatha” are slathered in sweet ricotta, chocolate, or marzipan, and topped with half a candied cherry. Their whimsical appearance, however, belies the brutal story of the saint they were named after.
St. Agatha was a Christian virgin/martyr who endured a lot of painful torture, the most horrific of which was the severing of her breasts. Thus, she became the patron saint of breast cancer patients, and oddly enough, bakers. Probably because they thought that the mounds, which she’s usually depicted holding, were cakes.
5. Capezzoli di Venere
The “nipples of Venus” are yet another tribute to the love goddess’ assets, and are proof that chocolate truffles can get even more erotic. They’re traditionally Roman chestnuts coated in brandied sugar, then dipped alternately in white and dark chocolate to make white or brown “nipples”.
These sexy truffles even made their way to the big screen, appearing in a memorable scene in the acclaimed 1984 film, Amadeus.
No one really knows how these popular Christmastime treats got their name, but it’s not hard to imagine once you look at them. Roasted to a rich, polished brown, these robust nuts look like the breasts of a lingerie model, after she sunbathes without her top on.
Tempting as it is to bite into one of these, bear in mind that you have to crack and peel them first. Chestnut meat may not be that sexy, but then again, neither is a toothy grin flecked with shards of brown nutshells.
7. Angel’s Teat
Better known as moonshine, a shot of this clear distillation is what some Americans referred to as an angel’s teat. Probably because you’ll think you were drinking from one after knocking back a few. Made from water, yeast, malt, sugar, and other edibles, this whiskey remains clear because it isn’t aged at all. (Regular whiskey gets its dark honey color from being aged in charred oak barrels.)
However, as with a lot of mood-altering substances, moonshine is sometimes produced unlawfully. Some crooked distillers sometimes add methanol to increase the strength of the spirit, or use unsafe equipment that allow caustic lead to contaminate the product. Both substances are lethal if ingested in large amounts.
Just goes to show that doing illegal things to a teat is very bad for your health.
Well, there you have it. It seems that the appreciation for the magnificent orbs of the female form is both universal and timeless. But then again, that can also be said of the same for beauty, abundance, and motherly love. All of which can be traced back to where most of us first found sustenance: at our mother’s breast.
*teat = nipple
Barnette, M. (1997). Ladyfingers and Nun’s Tummies: A Lighthearted Look at How Foods Got Their Names. New York: Random House.
Smith, F. (2009). The Oxford Companion to American Food and Drink. USA: Oxford University Press.