The 7 Times You’ll Think You’re Sad (But You’re Really Just Hungry)

January 16, 2019

It’s weird how being sad makes so many of us happy. Whenever we’re feeling down and depressed, we concoct long convoluted stories to explain why getting out of the bed in the morning is impossible. It’s a “fun” pastime, mostly because there’s a unique kind of warm satisfaction that comes with thinking that the reason we’re sad is special and unique. Too bad, ninety nine out of a hundred times, it’s a load of crap.

Look at babies. They’d bump their head, they cry. You take away their favorite teddy bear, they cry. You don’t let them stick their finger in the shiny industrial electric fan, they cry. They see the blood-drenched ghost of a dead revolutionary floating behind you at night (that you never see because the spirit disappears the moment you turn around), and, you guessed right, they cry. But no matter what the reason is for their unhappiness, a big warm bottle of milk always shuts them up. They weren’t really sad, just hungry. And chances are, so are you.

7. You have a pimple

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via www.one80.ca

Why You Think You’re Sad:

It seems to be a law of the universe that you’d go for weeks (months, even) with the clearest, most perfect skin in the world, but the moment you have a big date coming up, an important work presentation, or a long overdue class reunion, your skin suddenly decides to turn into chicharon overnight.

For normal, well-adjusted people, this presents no great difficulty. They know no one is going to care that they have acne. But most of us aren’t normal, well-adjusted people. Heck, I’ve never met a normal, well-adjusted person in my life (though I think I saw one from afar in the grocery once). Instead, we dive headfirst into a deep hole of hate and self-shame. We want to lock  ourselves in our room, cover our face with every hat and pair of shades we own, and just rot in our ugliness.

What You Should Eat Instead:

Before you decide to become a complete hermit, why not try a nice tall glass of whatever fancy health shake you prefer. The odder its color, and the harder to pronounce its ingredients (I mean really, acai? Chia? They sound like people Goku would fight), the better you’ll feel.

It’s amazing how eating something that’s associated with being fit and active (despite your last “workout” being the bird watching PE class in your sophomore year) can significantly boost your mood and body confidence.

6.  Your team lost

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via besthomechef.com.au

Why You Think You’re Sad:

I’m one of those people who gets way too emotionally invested in rooting for specific teams and athletes in sports. It’s a tribal thing, probably a genetic predisposition left over from the days my ancestors were trying to stop Magellan from landing on our shores. When my team wins, I’m ecstatic and fantastic to be around. The world just seems brighter, the air sweeter, and I’m easily swayed into buying everybody free food.

But when we lose? It hits me straight at my soul. Hard. I get irrational in my grief, blaming innocent bystanders (like someone not sitting the right way or my date joking that this or that player would mess up) for the loss.

What You Should Eat Instead:

A big, juicy steak always knocks me out of my funk after disappointing fourth quarter meltdowns during big games. The violence it requires to tear into a hunk of red meat is a cathartic experience, allowing me to release all the pent up hunger and hate for the refs I’ve built up in my heart. The protein gives me strength too, allowing me to think clearly enough to realize that, you know what, it’s just a game.

5. You got mugged

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via junbelen.wordpress.com

Why You Think You’re Sad:

Let’s face it, Manila is a very dangerous city. It’s almost insulting how bold our local thieves and snatchers have become. They no longer even care about being discreet, they’d walk up to you in crowds, on the road, in waiting sheds, even in the freaking comfort rooms in the mall. The fact that not a single passer-by will offer aid (in fact, many would even avert their eyes), just makes the whole experience more deplorable. You’re left standing miserable, sans wallet and cellphone if you’re lucky, stabbed and bleeding if you’re not.

What You Should Eat Instead:

Hopefully, you’re alive and healthy. Being rushed to the hospital from a belly wound is a pretty legitimate reason to be sad, and thus outside the purview of this article. If, however, the only things that got hurt in the mugging were your dignity, your phone,  and your weekly spending schedule, then there’s really little reason to be depressed.

Since your funds would probably be a little strained at this point, it’s best that you opt for something that’s both affordable and a reliable source of comfort. My advice is to order the most unhealthy, high-calorie fast food item you love and go to town on that bad boy. It doesn’t matter if you choose burgers, or sandwiches, or even rice meals. Enjoy yourself thoroughly.  Who needs a cellphone when you have Chicken Joy?

4. You got fired/flunked out

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via lovefromfizah.tumblr.com

Why You Think You’re Sad:

You stayed up too late watching vine compilations on Youtube and paid for it the day after. Now, you have nowhere to go and nothing to do. A part of you wonders what’s the point to anything anymore, why do people even try to succeed when life just won’t let them.

What You Should Eat Instead:

Soft-serve ice cream makes everything better. Plus, it’s pretty cheap too. Whether you buy it from a fast food joint, a 24/7 convenience store, or some random stall, a cone or two of this magical treat should be everyone’s go to snack after experiencing crippling loss and failure. With every mouthful of vanilla ice cream, you begin to realize the amazing opportunity that you’ve just been handed. With your worst fears now having been realized, you’re free. When you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s really no place else to go but up. Enjoy the  better times ahead that are sure to come.

3. You had a fight with your parents

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via angsarap.net

Why You Think You’re Sad:

You love them, you’ll do anything for them, you’ll always have their back. They love you too, they’ve already done everything for you, and they’ll always have your back as well. On paper, it seems to be a recipe for a harmonious relationship. However, anyone with parents know it’s anything but. Arguments between mothers, fathers, and their kids are messy, angst-ridden affairs. There’s always a lot of screaming, a lot of tears, a good amount of door slamming, an occasional punch to the wall, and the inevitable half-hearted threat to run away forever.

What You Should Eat Instead:

Good old-fashioned sinigang is a surefire way to calm everybody down. It’s such a traditional family dish that just a few spoonfuls of the broth and your lost in nostalgic memories of your childhood. Paired with some kalamansi’t patis and freshly cooked rice, a shared sinigang dinner will heal all wounds and soothe all tempers.

 2. You just got dumped

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via lifeisbeautifulandawesome.blogspot.com

Why You Think You’re Sad:

You’re sad because you clearly haven’t read the multitude of reasons why food (fried, greasy food to be exact) is better than a relationship.

What You Should Eat Instead:

You have multiple options, based on how things went down for you. Here’s a list of seven of them, knock yourself out.

1. You’re broke

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via thetheoreticalcook.blogspot.com

Why You Think You’re Sad:

You think you’re sad because you don’t have any money, but that’s not entirely accurate. The truth is, whether you’re conscious of it or not, you’re sad because you don’t have any money to buy food—which isn’t true, either.

What You Should Eat Instead:

I’m going to make some assumptions here. If you’re reading this, and you call yourself broke, you have a very specific definition of the word. After all, you’re on a computer, with power, that has access to the Internet. Those three things are stuff that the truly penniless would never have access too. You, my friend, just need to expand your horizons. A packet (or four) of instant pancit canton is cheap as cheap can be. They’re also delicious, easy to cook, and addictive as hell. The moment you buy half a dozen of these noodles and still get enough change from Manang Tindera to do it all over again whenever you want, you’d quickly understand how silly it is to be sad over being “broke.”

 

Anything you want to share? Leave a comment below!

 

 

Lars Roxas Lars Roxas

Laurence is a twenty-something turtle pretending to be a writer. In the past, he has worked as a warehouse clerk, Apple genius, martial arts instructor, copywriter, editor, english teacher, and personal trainer. He can’t swim or ride a bike, but he's done Judo on three continents. He has an MA in Creative Writing from the University of the Philippines, Diliman. Occasionally, his stories appear in real actual books. He makes awesome waffles.

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12 comments in this post SHOW

12 responses to “The 7 Times You’ll Think You’re Sad (But You’re Really Just Hungry)”

  1. Charlotte says:

    Spot on! Hilarious as always, and what you said about babies, so true. I gotta add though, that my children sometimes cry because they can. When the little monsters are too much to take, I do what any sane mom would do, I lock myself in the bathroom and eat 3 Snicker bars, one after another that I’ve been hoarding for crazy times. And I visit this site for some much needed laughs. Thank you! I so needed this today.

  2. hylander says:

    What an enjoyable read 🙂 Thanks Lars!

  3. hylander says:

    Great article Lars, enjoyed reading it 🙂

  4. Mikka Wee says:

    Great piece as usual, Larsy! *clap clap*

  5. Champ Gerez Fazza says:

    This is one hell of an article! I swear I was laughing the whole time. Food, humor and kiss ass truth. More!!!

  6. Pilar San Luis says:

    I just love how that picture of the bagnet is so in-your-face. Hahaha! Pancit Canton with Krak-Krak will totally make you feel like a billionaire. 😀

  7. babsicatn says:

    one of the best indeed! never failed to deliver the simplicity of the truth… and incorporating it with food… simply brilliant!!! you’re a gift to the human race lars 🙂

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