7 People You Don’t Want to Be at the Dinner TableJanuary 29, 2019
- Addi dela CruzWords
Like dating, eating is another activity that’s more fun when you share it with someone else. The back-and-forth makes it that much more fulfilling and worth getting out of bed for. “Here, try my dumpling,” you say. “No, you try my dumpling,” they reply. Before you know it, you’re exchanging bites of so many other things.
As social beings, we like to dine with others not just because it’s customary in our culture (i.e. salo-salo), but also because good company at the dinner table significantly increases our appetite. However, there are exceptions. All of us have little quirks and eccentricities that others may find annoying. While sharing one or two traits with these 7 people may be forgivable (and let’s be honest, we’re all guilty of at least one or two), taking it too far will make our companions wish they’d just stayed in and ordered take out.
7. The Skinny Friend Who Eats a Lot
It’s mankind’s greatest mystery. How can a five-foot tall, 90-pound lady gobble up seven cups of rice and eleven refills of iced tea, all in one sitting, and still have room for cupcakes and coffee? All it takes is one four-cow-strong burp and she’s back to looking like a matchstick. Sure, you love your friend because she’s totally willing to keep you company on your burrito binge, but since your metabolism is on the average-to-slow side of the spectrum, you just can’t help but feel a little bitter and insecure whenever you two go on dinner dates.
There’s also the guy version of this. He’ll eat a family-sized box of pizza by himself, stay up all night playing X-box, eating chips, and chugging sodas but will still look better in skinny jeans than his sisters in the morning.
6. The Skinny Girl Who Eats Way Too Little
Usually, this is the first girl’s friend who’s been driven to this unhealthy eating habit because of envy. Even when you’ve already agreed to eat half of her burger, she’s still unable to finish her much smaller half. No matter how tiny the serving, she can never finish her plate. Even mentioning the starving kids in Africa does little to change her mind. Sometimes, you wonder if you should even order for yourself at all since you’ll end up just eating her food anyway.
5. The Picky Eater
There are three types: the one who just started her diet, the gym buff, and the vegetarian.
You know who’s on a new diet as soon as you pick up the menu. She’ll ask the most specific (or stupefying) questions to the poor waiter such as Is it okay if I have this with multigrain bread when I’m on Atkins? Does Mediterranean Orzo Salad with Feta Vinaigrette have any gluten at all? Is butter a carb? She spends more time on her iPhone, computing calories using MyFitnessPal, than actually eating the food she ordered.
Gym buffs are no less vocal about their diet plan. They’ll talk about their new protein shake like a real estate broker would about leases and mortgages, elaborate on pre- and post-workout meals like a math major during his thesis defense, and pop more pills (they’re supplements, they explain) at the dinner table than Lindsay Lohan at a rave. Throughout all this, I just nod and pretend to look genuinely interested.
The vegetarian/vegan/pescetarian/hippie/Chin-Chin Gutierrez is the pickiest eater of all. What makes their situation even worse is that they can only get a decent meal at probably two out of any ten restaurants in the city. Now I have nothing against folks committed to this lifestyle, and I have friends who are hardcore vegetarians, vegans, and pescetarians (bless your heart, you are doing a wonderful thing for the ecosystem), all I’m saying is it’s hard for me to feel good about my steaks and pizzas and burgers when you look so happy pecking away at the field of grass on your plate. It’s totally just my problem though, you just go on eating what you want.
4. The Food Thief
I don’t mind sharing my food most of the time (unless it costs over three hundred bucks and my fist is bigger than the serving). What irritate me are the people who pick up stuff from my plate, or worse—sip my drink, without asking. If you’re starving and haven’t eaten for a week, forgive me for not being more considerate. Otherwise, get your greedy hands off our plates, please.(See also: personal space, introverts, and Downton Abbey.)
3. My Mom
I have a few reservations about dining at Filipino restaurants, mostly because of my mother. I risk sounding like a total mama’s boy by saying this, but she could cook most Pinoy dishes better than half the places I’ve tried. Still, this good fortune does have a bad side. Since she knows her way around the kitchen, she usually has something to say about any particular local dish, mostly negative. It’s always too salty, has too much MSG, or is too pricey for something she could easily prepare at home. Although I agree with her most of the time, I wish just once that we could just sit at the restaurant, have a good conversation, and enjoy our meal, the ambiance, and the fact that we’re having Kare-Kare outside the house.
2. The Bill-Evader
We all have that one sneaky friend who goes full-on ninja as soon as the server arrives with the bill. He takes out his wallet slowly or pretends to be searching for it, but really, he’s just waiting for the rest of you to furnish the entire amount. Either that or he flees to the bathroom for an “emergency call” as soon as the bill arrives. Conveniently for him, everything’s been paid for by the time he gets back. You know who you are, I’m watching you. You still owe me for last Thursday’s dinner.
1. The Foodstagrammer
Wait! Stop, don’t eat your food yet. The Foodstagrammer needs to take a photo of everyone’s order first. So what if it’s getting cold? Capturing the perfect top-view angle and lighting (oh yes, we try.), deciding which filter or frame to use, and arranging the utensils around the plate just so is way more important. Talk about #firstworldpains.
298,776 takes later, the Foodstagrammer stitches the best shots together to form a collage, tags each post with #foodie #instafood #munchies #yum #yummy #omnomnom #happytummy #getinmybelly #igers #igersmanila, and happily waits for the deluge of likes he or she hopes will now follow. Obviously, all of us on the Pepper.ph team are guilty of this in some way, so don’t judge us too harshly when you see us snapping pictures of our Ramen or whatever, please?