Every year, on April Fool’s, ThinkGeek comes out with a list of fake nerdy schlock that they pretend are actual products that exist, products that people can buy. The first few times they did it, the whole point was to trick people into believing them, and then (probably) going “Ha Ha!” at any of their friends who shared the link.
But then, the Internet, being the Internet, made something magical happen. So many people liked this (totally fake) Taun-Taun Sleeping Bag, that they actually turned it into a real product. It was a pretty big hit. Seeing the cash cow just begging to be milked, they now do the same thing every year. All the popular stuff from their list get turned into real merch that people can buy. That’s how we got this this and this.
In the same vein, here are 7 totally non-existent Holiday-themed eats that I wish they’d start selling at the grocery. They all tackle specific, Christmas issues that all of us have to deal with come December. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who’d find these useful.
7. Santa’s Reindeer Ham
Okay, magic reindeer ham has, admittedly, very little application in actual holiday problem solving. To be perfectly honest, I just really want to eat a reindeer. If it flew and/or did double duty as a living red headlight while it was still alive, that would probably just make it taste even better.
Everyone has a bucket list of things they want to finish or accomplish before they die, mine just happens to involve eating various unusual animals. This year I got to strike elk, kangaroo, and dinosaur ostrich egg off my file. Reindeer meat is just another thing to try before the year ends. Plus, if I actually get to bring home a porterhouse of Rudolph, Dasher, or Prancer, who knows, maybe I’d inherit their magic around-the-world in a day powers as well.
6. Hu u? Humba
There’s a section on everyone’s list of Facebook friends that is full of mystery, secrets, and suspense. For those with contacts numbering in the high hundreds/thousands, it’s a virtual cavalcade of half-remembered names and oddly familiar, but not quite, faces. They’re the cousins of the seatmate you had in that one class you sat in for a week because you were dating the teacher’s assistant back in sophomore year. They’re your mom’s colleague’s daughter’s ex girlfriends. They’re the complete strangers whose friend requests you accepted because you’d just re-watched Spirited Away for the 17th time and felt like giving the world a hug.
There’s nothing more awkward than meeting any of these people in real life, like at a Christmas party of a common friend. They’d go up to you, confident in the existence of your shared (but to you, totally non-existent) relationship, and you don’t even know their name. But never fear, the Hu u? Humba is there to save you, provided you brought it to the potluck instead of the ice and paper plates you usually do.
“Wow, this humba is really good!” says the stranger.
“Isn’t it?” you respond. “Give me your email, I’ll send you the recipe.”
Now, all you have to do is hope that they’re mature adults with sane email addresses you can deduce their real names from, instead of being an overgrown child using something stupid like firstname.lastname@example.org
5. Pasko Polvoron
Far from being just your run of the mill polvoron made pretty with a cheery wrapper, Pasko Polvoron is a specially formulated concoction designed to kick polvoron’s natural mouth sealant properties up to eleven. All you need is a few dozen to distribute among your visiting brothers’ and sisters’ kids, and you can sit back, relax, and enjoy a relatively serene evening with no crying, screaming, or random “Siiiillleenntt Niiiigght”-ing.
4. Bulletproof Fruitcake
As a kid, my family was very into fireworks. We were that obnoxious household that routinely bought enough rockets, shells, and various other things with vaguely obscene names (Super Pla Pla? Really?) that go boom! to start (and win) a small war.
What we never stooped down to doing, though, is the idiocy that is firing a damn gun up in the air as if one had no understanding of gravity, terminal velocity, and the reality that the bullets don’t just disappear because you can’t see them. However, other (stupid) people did and continue to do so. Hence the heartbreaking television news reports that filter in at around 1AM about this or that child killed by a stray bullet they didn’t even see coming (interspersed, of course, with footage of people missing fingers and/or entire limbs at the ER, because ratings always hold precedence over class).
My Bulletproof Fruitcake kills two birds with one (very unpleasant and harder than any stone) baked good. While I’ve never actually met anyone who likes fruitcake (and in fact, I suspect there’s probably only half a dozen or so actual fruitcakes in the world. We just keep on passing it around and re-gifting to our other friends every year), this one can save your life. Carry it around with you like a shield or wear it like a helmet-hat. You can even build a small bunker fort with multiple cakes. The possibilities are endless.
3. Halfsies Hamon
If you followed my foolproof tips on how to not get fat during the holidays, you are probably single and alone right now. As I explained in that other article, the lack of a significant other automatically halves the Christmas parties, dinners, and get-togethers (with evil food) you’d need to attend. Still, I understand that as December marches on, and the weather gets colder, it can get a little sad and lonely.
The Halfsies Hamon comes with chunks and slices already missing from your ham, carved away by a team of gifted artists to ensure maximum realism. All you have to do is serve it on a festive plate, take a selfie with the already half-eaten chunk of meat, and caption your masterpiece with “Babe started before me! : ( #coupleproblems” before posting it on your social network of choice.
Hopefully, none of your followers will see through your ruse.
2. Tsokolate Ah(lcohol)
I’ve always been a little sad that eggnog during the holidays is not a thing here in the Philippines. The concept of something sweet, creamy, and alcoholic just seems like such a winner. That said, I’ve never actually tasted authentic eggnog. For all I know, it could taste like sweaty socks.
What I have tried is traditional tsokolate made with tablea. It, too, is sweet, creamy, and equally as Christmas-y. All it lacks is the stuff that gets you buzzed, a flaw that’s easily remedied. Plus, as an added bonus, it lets you get drunk in front of kids without instilling images of alcohol into their little impressionable heads. This way, they’ll never associate your “funnest uncle”-ness with the truth that you’re actually just wasted.
1. Christmas in Our Hearts BBQ
If I never hear Jose Mari Chan’s Christmas in Our Hearts ever again, for the rest of my life, I’d be a happy man.
There’s really nothing awfully complicated or clever about my Christmas in Our Hearts BBQ. They’re just your standard, home-made barbecue you can purchase from grilling stalls at street corners all over the Metro. The only difference is that the skewers used have weapons-grade sharpness and durability. Anytime you hear a person break into a spirited rendition announcing their disturbing habit of staring at clueless minors, feel free to stab them the neck with your BBQ skewers. Alternatively, you can stick them through your own ears instead. It’s you choice, pick the one that’s most appropriate for your current situation.