10 Geeky Eats We Wish Were Real

September 1, 2018

It’s a feeling we’re all familiar with. You’re in front of the television, watching spaceships shoot lasers at flying saucers, or curled up under your comforter, reading about dragons, and demons, and whatnot. Then the protagonist starts eating something you’ve never heard of.  Your mouth starts to water.  You try to ignore it, but then your stomach growls. “Damn it,” you say to yourself, “Now, I’m hungry.”

We all envied Dany when she chowed down on that raw horse heart in Game of Thrones (We all did, right? It wasn’t just me?). There’s just something about the otherworldly stuff, the dishes you’d never get to try in real life, that’s so darn appetizing. In celebration (or lamentation) of that fact, here are ten geeky edibles we all wish were available at the nearest Shopwise.

Now, I know we all have our favorites. So, before you all get offended over me leaving out your personal picks, have a look at the three ground rules I used while compiling this list.

  1. Only one entry per franchise. This ensures that the whole list isn’t made up of the first ten episodes of Cooking Master Boy.
  2. It has to be literally impossible to get a hold of in real life. This means all the fried ducks swimming in butter, or roasted hogs stuffed with smaller, cuter hogs that George RR Martin lovingly wrote about are immediately disqualified.
  3. No Harry Potter. Why? Because they sell Butterbeer, Bertie Bott’s Beans, and all that other stuff at the theme park in Florida. Besides, excluding Rowling’s magical treats will probably enrage a crap load of highly-excitable Potterheads (who’ll all craft lengthy replies in the comment section, calling me wand-face or whatever). Yay for site-traffic!

10. Lembas

Where It’s From:

Lembas is elven trail food from the Lord of the Rings series. While the film didn’t dwell on it, the novels describe the stuff quite thoroughly. Its light brown exterior hides a softer, cream-colored middle. Lembas is supposed to stay fresh for months (in a world with no refrigerators), taste pretty good, and be highly nutritious.  No wonder the elves zealously guard the recipe for it.

Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re vegan (they’re made by elves after all), so no one gets left out of the Lembas party.

What It Probably Tastes Like:

Magical, highly nutritious pop tarts. Imagine a world where pop tarts are health food, and dieting means subsisting on the sugary things for a few weeks. No one would ever have to struggle for beach season ever again.

9. The 1-Up Mushroom

Photo via Fantendo.com

Where It’s From:

The Mushroom Kingdom’s main export (after flowers that set you on fire, steroids, red mushrooms that pump you up, and princesses with a thing for dudes who own lots of castles) ranks high on the “most expensive” list. Out in the black market, it sells for a hundred gold coins a pop.

What It Probably Tastes Like:

It’s a green mushroom. Maybe it’s minty? To be fair, this isn’t something you consume for its taste. You eat it so you can literally jump off a cliff, and be perfectly fine afterwards.

The only downside to this thing is realizing that you’re eating a mushroom raised by other mushrooms (ones that can walk and talk). Toad’s ever-present smile must hide the soul-crushing guilt of selling his non-walking/talking cousins to be eaten.

8. Blue Milk

Where It’s From:

Any list with the word “geeky” in its title is incomplete without anything from Star Wars. We first see this odd little beverage in the first film, when Luke drinks it while having breakfast with his aunt and uncle. It’s also called Tatooine Milk, and the Star Wars Wiki describes it as “coming from a female bantha’s mammary glands.”

Uh, yeah, nice to know the stuff I want to drink isn’t pouring from a male bantha’s other orifice.

What It Probably Tastes Like:

Blue is a color that my lifelong addiction to sugary junk food associates with bubblegum or blueberries. Just imagine pouring blueberry bubblegum milk over a bowl of Frosted Flakes, or mixing it into your pancake batter. Yum.

7. Ambrosia

Where It’s From:

Ambrosia comes from the larders of Mt. Olympus, carried in from Zeus-knows-where by doves. Literally the food of the gods, it confers immortality and eternal youth to whoever consumes it. What it is exactly varies from poet to poet. Homer describes it as something you eat, while Aristophanes imagines ambrosia as a drink. Heck, there are even some stories where it’s used as perfume.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of anything from my grocery that I could eat, drink, and then spray all over myself before a big date.

What It Probably Tastes Like:

Do you remember that Summer Girls song by that old boy band LFO? Of course you do, it’s playing in your head right now. The guy in the next cubicle is probably giving you weird sideway glances, because you’re mumbling about girls wearing Abercrombie & Fitch. But you don’t care, you’re head’s already back in 1998. That’s what ambrosia’s like, all the vigor and warmth of youth poured into a cup, or served on a plate.

6. Senzu Beans

Where It’s From:

Senzu beans are Dragon Ball Z’s magic reset button. While one is enough to sustain a person for ten days (regardless of whether they eat anything else or not), its real benefit lies in its ability to instantly heal any physical injury. And that’s just with one bite of the stuff.

I guess such restorative effects can be quite useful in a world where people routinely punch each other through mountains (while screaming so loud, and so long, that their hair turns blonde).

What It Probably Tastes Like:

Not very good, I suspect. The characters describe the texture as being halfway between that of an uncooked potato, and a celery stick. But then again, their merit isn’t just in eating them directly.

Do you know how much effort it takes to raise a cow until you can buy it as a porterhouse or a hamburger? I don’t, but I’m sure it isn’t easy. With Senzu beans, it becomes a much simpler process. With just a handful of our magic anime feed, our pet cow can gain fifty pounds instantly. If you’re a horrible human being (and you’re cool with your house being vandalized by animal rights activists on a daily basis), you can go even further. You can slice steaks off your pet cow’s ass every mealtime, and just feed it a Senzu bean after, so that it survives and regenerates. Meat doesn’t come any fresher than that. The source would still be alive, in any case.

5. Gingold

Where It’s From:

In the world of DC Comics, Gingold is a special soft drink made from the extremely rare Gingo fruit. It’s responsible for the various stretchy powers of Ralph Dibny, the Elongated Man.

What It Probably Tastes Like:

Gingold is probably like a glass of Fanta or Mountain Dew, except it would give you special stretchy abilities (if you’re not allergic to it, that is). Why would anyone want that, you ask?  Well, Elongated Man and his wife, before the recent DC reboot, had always been depicted as the model couple in their universe. Mr. Fantastic, his Marvel counterpart, also has one of the most rock solid marriages over at his side of the comic book fence. And they both have the ability to change the length, girth, and shape of any part of their bodies. You do the math.

4. Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

Where It’s From:

The fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil (which I’ll refer to as fruit from the ToKoGaE from here on) is from the Bible, a book that had a lot of contenders for this spot on the list. There’s the fruit from the Tree of Life, the manna that fell from the sky, the fish and bread buffet Jesus conjured from the ether, and so on. I chose the fruit from the ToKoGaE for one simple reason: the elections are coming up soon.

What It Probably Tastes Like:

It would taste like conscience, I hope, but fruity, with a generous dash of ethics and remorse. If ToKoGaE fruit was sold in the produce section (hopefully not pre-sliced), voting would quickly become a lot simpler. We could force feed every scoundrel running for public office with the stuff, and automatically disqualify anyone who doesn’t break down crying after just one bite. We can make the weepiest one (the guy so distraught that he gets snot all over his facial hair) our next president.

3. Slurm

Where It’s From:

This green, thick, and fizzy goop is the number one soft drink in the Futurama galaxy. Manufactured on the planet Wormula, the recipe for Slurm is closely guarded by the giant sentient slugs that populate that world. Its surprisingly accurate marketing slogan is “It’s Highly Addictive!”

What It Probably Tastes Like:

Think back to the last time you had an ice cold glass of Mountain Dew, then imagine sprinkling enough crack over it to completely ruin your life. That’s probably the closest anyone will ever get to tasting Slurm. It’s so addictive that Fry couldn’t stop drinking it, even after finding out that it’s basically the Wormulan Queen Slug’s anal discharge. That’s an ironclad endorsement right there. So good, you don’t even care it’s butt juice.

2. The Red Pill

Where It’s From:

The red pill is Neo’s way out of the Matrix. Okay, I admit I’m cheating a little bit here. Technically, the red pill is not food. It’s tiny, you’re not supposed to chew it, and you wash it down with a glass of water. Afterwards, if you’re lucky, you wake up naked and hairless. And in a pod filled with Kool-Aid colored Slurm.

What It Probably Tastes Like:

“Nothing,” you’d argue, “Pills don’t taste like anything.”

Are you sure about that? Are you sure that’s really all it is? Maybe the machines got it wrong. Maybe pills are supposed to taste like chicken, or Tasty Wheat, and the machines reversed things. Or then again, maybe they didn’t. You’ll never know until you swallow.

1. Melange

Where It’s From:

Melange, more commonly known as Spice, comes from the Dune novels by Frank Herbert. Dune is the story of galaxy-spanning empires, a savage desert planet where water is more valuable than life, and fierce nomadic warrior tribes waiting for a prophesied messiah in the form of a fifteen year old boy (David Lynch made a movie adaptation of it back in the eighties. It flopped, despite featuring Sting in a bitchin’ steel bikini). In this vast and fascinating universe, melange is the most valuable commodity. A briefcase of the stuff is supposed to be enough to buy an entire planet. That’s because eating it prolongs your life, endows you with psychic powers, and turns your entire eye (not just the iris) a cool blue color. Nifty, eh?

What It Probably Tastes Like:

I’m a giant Dune fan boy, but I can’t describe it better than Dr. Yueh does in the first book:

“The taste [of melange] is never twice the same. It’s like life – it presents a different face each time you take it. Some hold that the spice produces a learned-flavor reaction. The body, learning a thing is good for it, interprets the flavor as pleasurable; slightly euphoric. And, like life, never to be truly synthesized.”

Holy shit. Who wouldn’t want a hit of something like that?

HONORABLE MENTION: THIS OMURICE DISH I FOUND ONLINE

I don’t care what anyone says, that can’t be real. Look at it. LOOK AT IT. It’s sorcery.

Is there anything we left out?  Any entry you disagree with? Want to call me a dirty Slytherin? Hit the comments and let us know!

Lars Roxas Lars Roxas

Laurence is a twenty-something turtle pretending to be a writer. In the past, he has worked as a warehouse clerk, Apple genius, martial arts instructor, copywriter, editor, english teacher, and personal trainer. He can’t swim or ride a bike, but he's done Judo on three continents. He has an MA in Creative Writing from the University of the Philippines, Diliman. Occasionally, his stories appear in real actual books. He makes awesome waffles.

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40 comments in this post SHOW

40 responses to “10 Geeky Eats We Wish Were Real”

  1. retortingjk says:

    There would’ve been plenty of good stuff we wish were real from the Harry Potter universe, but the Wizarding World theme park in Orlando, Florida had many of them covered.

  2. HAHAHAHAHA…I probably shouldn’t have laughed so hard at ToKoGaE.

  3. I want a whole cooking master boy series of this!!!! Seriously can’t stop reading it! And btw, can I just say that ToKoGae sounds so badass! lol! Now I want a minty hit from the Mario Mushroom… chomp

  4. Super Chef says:

    Cooking Master Boy was the best. How can one not want to eat turtle melon soup, laughing pork buns and sashimi that makes you float on clouds with naked fairies?

    • laughing pork buns are a classic! they occupy that sweet spot between “nightmare inducing horrors” and “i want to take it home as a pet!”

      • soulunsold says:

        Dem laughing pork buns! Does anyone remember the highly addictive fried rice (due to plums, i think) for the emperor? And the snappy catfish noodles!

  5. Nico Goco says:

    Slurm, tasty even if it’s from slugs! Though if there’s one thing that should never be real, it’s Soylent Green.

  6. You win the internet today. You had me at the 1-up mushroom.:D

  7. Based on the Dune series novels, I get a sense that melange (or spice) would somehow smell and taste like a combination of cinnamon and cannabis.

  8. Guest says:

    Rars, you’re such a geek. I love this.

  9. Lars, you’re such a geek. Hahah, love this.

  10. After the first movie came out, I’d buy beef turnovers from Le Coeur and pretend they were lembas bread for the commute home.

  11. Gingold would be every middle aged man’s favorite food! But what I’d love to try is the Phoenix meat that Neil Gaiman wrote in a short story. It will burn you alive if you don’t have a tolerance for fire, but it’s also supposed to taste better than anything you’ve ever eaten. 🙂

  12. This ensures that the whole list isn’t made up of the first ten episodes of Cooking Master Boy. — WHY???????!!!!!!

  13. marc says:

    How about the bread in Yakitate Japan na “mamamatay ka sa sobrang sarap”?
    That, I want to try.

  14. Quoting a friend of mine: “he forgot that whole huge feast in Hook!”

  15. Camille says:

    this is now my favorite article on the whole site! that’s high praise considering i love almost all of the stuff you guys put up. please keep more of these coming! and kudos to the writer who got the perfect balance between well-researched, well-written, and laugh-out-loud funny 🙂

  16. Rica says:

    so much win!

  17. soulunsold says:

    I wish the potions/phoenix feather from the Final Fantasy franchise were real. Lasang tempra kaya ang potions? Hahaha.

  18. Christina says:

    This article is a pile of AWESOME. Well done!

  19. via says:

    love this. definitely a pepper.ph-worthy article!

  20. Hahahaha! Senzu Beans! I can hear the pagka-crispy every time nginunguya nila Goku. And yes, ToKoGaE sounds cool. :))

    Anyway, I’d love a Felix Felicis every now and then. T.T

  21. Where’s Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from Douglas Adams’ “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”? 🙂

  22. Maryanne Margrethe Palag says:

    cool article. would like to add Lardo and Tava Bread from the Sword of Truth series. and the sunbird/phoenix fromneil gaiman’s a study in emerald.

  23. char says:

    lars, totally with you with that huge ass omu rice

  24. […] picture. For those of you who don’t know (probably all of you), when I’m not being a giant nerd on the Internet, exposing my crippling real life addictions for all to see, alienating kids, or […]

  25. […] this year, I wrote a list of 10 geeky eats that we all wish were real.  It was a moderate success. People seemed to like my selections, but […]

  26. […] filled with people talking about Psyducks and Pokéballs. Unfortunately, though I am an unabashed giant nerd, I’m a little ashamed to admit that I couldn’t really relate at all. I’ve never played […]

  27. […] since Eve got Adam to eat the Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, humanity has found munching away on things we shouldn’t to be irresistible. While this fondness […]

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