Meat for the Apocalypse: 6 Animal Families You Could Eat (But Wouldn’t Really Want To)

May 24, 2013

The success of post-apocalyptic movies and television shows has made me realize how difficult it really is to get food without access to wet markets, groceries, and restaurants. Many people don’t realize how hard it is to catch and dress your own chicken or fish. Most of us would be dead of starvation before we even learn how to do it properly. In the (un)likely event that a zombie outbreak or robot invasion does occur, we’ll have to be more creative in choosing our sources of meat.

1. Rodents

Rodents

Try to eat them before they eat each other. They tend to do that.

If you were trapped in a city with no means to reach the wilderness, rats might be the only way you get to eat meat. But be careful, most city rats carry all sorts of nasty diseases. A safer choice would be to raid a pet shop and gather all the guinea pigs they still have in stock. They make for great eating, and if you manage to secure a long-term hideout, you now have a sustainable source of protein that’s both adorable and delicious.

2. Wild Birds

The family that stays together, gets eaten together.

The family that stays together, gets eaten together.

The good news is that all birds are edible. The bad news is that they can be hard to catch. My advice is to go for pigeons. They are clean and supposedly taste even better than chicken. In fact, squab (pigeon meat) is enjoyed worldwide, they’re a staple in many cuisines.

3. Dogs (or Cats)

Pro tip: Wait until they’re asleep for minimum resistance.

Pro tip: Wait until they’re asleep for minimum resistance.

When it comes to surviving at all costs, get used to making hard decisions. Just hope it doesn’t come to a point where you have to choose between Fluffy’s life or yours. If you’re a cat person, just think of it as dodgy siopao filling to make it easier to stomach.

4. Reptiles

This is how Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles should have ended.

This is how Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles should have ended.

I haven’t tried turtle or crocodile yet, but people have told me they taste great. You could also hunt for snakes, which are said to taste a lot like chicken. Just watch out for the venomous ones, because they are infinitely more dangerous than slow, stupid zombies.

5. Worms

This organic pasta dish needs no sauce. Or cheese. Mmm!

This organic pasta dish needs no sauce. Or cheese. Mmm!

Let’s assume you really suck at hunting. You’ve realized too late that WWE moves like the People’s Elbow don’t actually work on the undead. Luckily for you, nature provides food for even the lousiest of hunters: worms. But don’t start snacking on earthworms just yet, they can be dangerous if not properly cleaned. Leave them in water for several minutes and thoroughly rinse them before attempting to eat your makeshift-spaghetti noodles.

You could also go for the various worm-like larvae that live on trees and other vegetation, as they taste better and are more hygienic.

6. Insects

The Lion King had it right. These guys were ahead of the curve.

The Lion King had it right. These guys were ahead of the curve.

If there’s one thing that’s virtually guaranteed in the event of an apocalypse, it’s that the insects will inherit the earth. That is good news, as they are the most overlooked food source in the world. An estimated 2 billion people around the world regularly consume them, but it is yet to catch on in popularity in the West because it’s (obviously) gross. When you realize that insects are the most abundant life form on Earth, and that their bodies comprise of around 65-80% protein compared to beef’s 20%, it makes you wonder why we aren’t already eating them in food courts and restaurants everywhere.

If that’s not enough reason to start imitating Timon and Pumba, how about the fact that a lot of insects actually taste great? Grasshoppers and crickets are very crispy, which is why Angelina Jolie’s kids eat them like Doritos. Beetles and their larvae have long been favorites in Southeast Asia, with some varieties even said to taste like bacon. Ant larvae are a delicacy that plenty of people go crazy for. The variety of flavors they offer is extensive, as this list of edible bugs shows.

When the crap hits the fan, and you find yourself to be a worse hunter/gatherer than expected, start looking for insects. They offer the lowest risk to benefit ratio while providing good nutritional value. Sure, they might not be the most appetizing thing you’ve ever eaten, but they still beat eating Soylent Green.


How picky do you think you’ll be if you survive the apocalypse? Which kind of food would you go for? Any suggestions of edible animals we might’ve missed? Tell us all about it in the comments section.


[Sources: Arborpest/Blogspot/DailyWicca/SplitReason/WikiMedia/Lion King Wiki]

Adee de Leon SEE AUTHOR Adee de Leon After numerous failed attempts to become a tabloid-worthy matinee idol, Adrian has since committed his eccentricities to more realistic goals, such as getting rid of his pot belly and discovering the cure for a hangover. He currently spends his waking hours writing ridiculous nonsense, eating copious amounts of cheap food, reading Seanbaby’s articles, watching “underground” movies, and scaring people with his other creepy fascinations.
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Varn
Varn

the pic for worms are not actual worms but beetle larvae, though still high in protein and low in fat

Adrian De Leon
Adrian De Leon

Hi Varn, yup I should’ve stated it clearly. I’ll fix that. Thanks for pointing out!

D Camacho

Dog and cats? Sorry, but NO! Haven’t you seen I am Legend? I cried when Will Smith had to shoot his dog. I would never eat my Bacon (my dog, not actual bacon. I love bacon the food) HAHA

Adrian De Leon
Adrian De Leon

Just to be clear, I don’t like it too. But Jackie Boy (my dog) will have no qualms with eating me if he’s hungry enough. So it’s either me or him. Hehe. But of course, that probably wouldn’t happen, Jack’s a ruthless hunter that has killed 2 kittens so far. Good dog to have in the event of an apocalypse. 🙂

Sergia Susana

Snakes are a sweeter, spinier meat than chicken. Crickets are delicious too, we eat them as snacks in the province. Fried in oil with lots of garlic, they’re not as cloying as going through a whole bag of Doritos. 🙂 Ostrich meat tastes like steak.

Adrian De Leon
Adrian De Leon

I want to try Crickets! They seem clean. 🙂 And Nico says he’ll try to bring salagubang roe when he gets some, masarap din daw.

Benny Hech
Benny Hech

One family of birds are toxic – the Pitohuis of New Guinea

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