Taste Test

Condom Taste Test: For a Very Happy V-Day

February 13, 2017

Here we are. It has come to this. I have gone from reviewing restaurants to reviewing flavored condoms! My parents will be so proud of the woman they raised. In order to add some semblance of dignity to this article, I tried to take this as seriously as possible, but I was not surprised when most of the condoms tasted like, well, condoms. I was however, surprised that some were….almost pleasant, and did not taste at all like bad decisions and Friday nights.

Years later, I will wonder what I did to deserve being assigned this article.

Frenzy Orange

Smell

If you are a fan of faux orange essential oils or are a 76 year-old cat lady, then we’ve found the condom for you! Each packet smells sickly sweet, like the local orange candy you get on the street when you’re desperate for refreshment and there is no Maxx or Foxx available. It’s a concentrated amount of citrus, which at its best is akin to a whiff from a box of orange Tic-Tacs, but at its worst smells like the overly air-freshened car of a taxi driver from hell.

Taste

While the smell was half pleasant, and half nauseating, one lick turned me off instantly. It was far worse than the scent, somehow managing to taste more like petroleum and sadness than orange.

how close it is to the real thang

1 out of 10. Smells close, like Mandarin Citrus Fresh Domex (patent pending) but tastes shitty.

Frenzy Banana

SMELL

Let’s start with the positive: it smells like banana runts, if you’re into that sort of artificial banana thing. Runts are the fruit-shaped, bright yellow hard candy from Candy Corner that ranks somewhere between jawbreakers (exciting but terrifying) and jelly beans (exciting but delicious). But if you’re not into that, then you might want to take note of the various descriptions the rest of our team had for this particular latex sheath: ‘sour’, ‘bagoong-like’, ‘malansa‘ or ‘kinda like my dog’s pee, man’.

TASTE

Again, divisive. If you’re into banana candy, then this will taste fine. But since I’m not, I have now grown a phantom taste for banana condoms, as if the thing never left my mouth. I have banana condom PTSD. The flavor of this one comes back to me often: weirdly sour, slightly rancid, super fake. It haunts me to this very day.

HOW CLOSE IT IS TO THE REAL THANG

-10 out of 10. No banana, no matter how rotten, has ever tasted like this.

Trust Classic Imported Chocolate

SMELL

What does imported chocolate even mean??? Which imported chocolate is it meant to taste like??? Too many questions on this one. What it does smell like is a worse version of Ricoa’s stuff, which we’re pretty sure is made in a plant along EDSA. It smells like you accidentally put Curly Tops in a microwave, and the foil-plastic and chocolate melted together for a distinct taste and aroma. I could be wrong though, because someone from our team also mentioned ‘cacao-y depth’ on their notes, and they’re the classiest one from us all.

TASTE

Do you remember when you were young, and your parents tricked you into eating vegetables, thinking it was something else? This condom delivers the exact same level of disappointment. It tastes like raw cooking oil + petroleum jelly + rubber gloves. It tastes like a damn condom.

HOW CLOSE IT IS TO THE REAL THANG

0 out of 10. Not imported.

Frenzy Mint

SMELL

You know what? It’s hard to get mad at this one. I’m addicted to chewing gum, and as far as this one goes, it smells incredibly pepperminty. It might even be close to those fancy After Eight dinner mints, or Mentos, a condom fresh and full of life.

TASTE

We have been lied to! It isn’t like gum at all (although the texture is close?)!!! You do get a bit of a cooling sensation though, and a somewhat tingly feeling in the mouth. It might actually be more about experience over taste on this one, so I get the appeal. Mom, I’m sorry.

HOW CLOSE IT IS TO THE REAL THANG

5 out of 10. Better, but would not recommend chewing this over Chiclet.

Trust Classic Strawberry

SMELL

Are these condoms getting better or has our team just lowered our expectations appropriately? Because this condom smells like strawberry cream Potchi and friendship. I can even envision this smell coming from a pack of marshmallows.

TASTE

Take our word for it—it tastes pretty accurate to what it smells like. The ‘condom taste’ is hardly there. Do I need therapy after this?

HOW CLOSE IT IS TO THE REAL THANG

6 out of 10. I like it. Help me.

Pamela Cortez Pamela Cortez

Pamela Cortez writes about food full-time, and has honed her craft while writing for publications such as Rogue, Town and Country, and The Philippine Star. She once rode on a mule for a mile just to eat mint tea and lamb in Morocco, and has eaten a block of Quickmelt in one sitting. Her attempt at food photography can be viewed online @meyarrr.

FOLLOW
11 comments in this post SHOW

11 responses to “Condom Taste Test: For a Very Happy V-Day”

  1. Paolo Sabido says:

    entertaining article. laughtrip. dont worry no judgement. haha!

  2. Blue says:

    This is fine literature.

  3. Kla says:

    I can hear the clicks coming from a mile away. Clever article!

  4. Dale says:

    Are you okay, Pepper? Need someone to talk to? How did you, uhm, do the taste test? Licked it or chewed on it like a gum? I cannot!!! lmao

  5. Dr. Melissa Zosa says:

    This is soooo funny! My friend was reading it to me and I couldn’t stop laughing with her! I would like to congratulate you on your bravery for accepting this assignment and being scientific enough to break it down into pertinent categories ( would suggest to grade them according to gag factor also🤣). Very apt for the occasion. You could also giv us a taste test of the body icings available out there next time hahaha

  6. Carlos S says:

    You should’ve tried the Lick brand of condoms. Tutti frutti was my favorite, though im not sure if it’s still on the market. You’re gonna give it 10 or at least 8 im sure. 😂

  7. I hope you record the taste test on a video, it would have been hilarious

  8. Nikko Pascua says:

    Oh Meya. :))

  9. Volts Sanchez says:

    Did you try to blow (LOL) them into bubbles? If not, why not?

  10. Ramon says:

    I loved this article — it made my day! You deserve the Pole-itzer Prize for this one.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Keep on

Reading