7 Desserts to Eat for Every Kind of Break-Up

August 5, 2013

A few weeks ago, we established why deep-fried pork belly is clearly superior to any sort of long-term monogamous romantic relationship. However, since this is the Internet and disagreeing with each other through the computer screen is what we do best, I’m sure there’s a sizable chunk of you guys out there who’ve chosen to ignore my, perfectly logical, advice.

Whether you’re a vegan, or you’re just at a high risk for coronary heart disease, you were probably busy going out on dates and receiving flowers while us smart folk were eating Bagnet in bed. You successfully got someone to hold your hand in the theater, and you didn’t even have to pay for your own popcorn. Hooray, I guess?

Still, like McDonald’s twister fries promo or the existence of a basic choco-butternut donut from Dunkin Donuts, you soon realize that all good things do come to an end. For one reason or another, your significant other is gone. He has disappeared into the land of soft-focus memories and the-reason-why-Adele’s-songs-make-you-cry. No more walks in the park hand-in-hand. No more good morning text messages with asterisk kissy-faces at the end. No more instant sundo whenever it rains.

Now, you’ve entered a new stage in your life. Dressed in pajamas even though it’s one in the afternoon, you have to decide what dessert to eat for breakfast (and lunch, and dinner, and dinner-dessert’s dessert) while you watch One More Chance for the thirty-seventh time.

Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. If you guys broke up because…

7. He or She had to Move Away

7

You Should Eat:

Pavlova. It’s a meringue-like dessert that’s sweet but light. People usually decorate it with various kinds of soft fruit and generous amounts of whipped cream spread all-over.

Because:

This dessert was named after Russian ballet dancer Anna Pavlova (of course). She was busy touring the world when, during her New Zealand and Australian stops, a local chef decided to name his new dessert after her. That’s three countries right off the bat. While meringue is fairly common here in the Philippines, Pavlova is foreign enough to hit all the tender parts of your soul that’s still stinging from the break-up.

Also, the Pavlova’s solid but fragile outer shell (which hides a deceptively soft and marshmallow-like interior) closely resembles the state of your emotions on that day you tearfully said your goodbyes at the airport (or the bus terminal, or the pier, or the train station). A part of you was half-hoping for a dramatic run-back-to-me scene, like in every romantic comedy ever, but it didn’t happen.

6. You Feel You Two have Stopped Growing as a Couple

6

You Should Eat:

Ice Candy. Get the cheap kind you used to buy as a kid, the ones made from powdered orange or grape juice that somebody just poured into a small plastic tube-bag and threw in the freezer. Remember, the stickier it makes your hand after, the better.

Because:

Let’s be honest here and cut through the crap. Saying “there’s no growth” is just code for “I don’t love/like you anymore.” But nope, people are too chicken to just say it like that. Instead, like a kid who just made a mess but is too afraid to admit it to his or her parents, they make up all sorts of stories in order to justify breaking all the now-broken stuff.

5. They’re Gay

5

You Should Eat:

Rainbow cakes are like the ninjas of the patisserie world. They look pretty plain from the outside. Not bad, of course, just simple and without frills. Straightforward, in other words. But then, you bite into one, and you discover the inside is made from ground up Power Rangers. It’s a totally unexpected explosion of fabulous colors.

Sound familiar?

Because:

Normally you shouldn’t be too sad about you’re partner turning out to be gay. If you really love them, a part of you should be happy that you played a part in helping them accept who they truly are. In a way, you’re not losing a lover, but gaining a best friend, someone who’ll go shopping with you and will love you enough to tell you about potentially disastrous purchase decisions. They’ll be the only ones honest enough to tell you that those trendy deconstructed shirts (with holes and rips all over) that you want to buy is probably a bad idea for someone whose figure is perpetually afraid of drowning.

Fun fact, I have a friend who has had three ex-boyfriends turn out to be gay after the break-up. She’s the exception to the rule. She, I feel, is totally justified to feel at least a little miserable.

4. Of Parental Disapproval

4

You Should Eat:

Fruitcake. Parental disapproval (from either party) can take several forms. They might think you’re too wild, too dumb, too poor, too rich, too ugly, too young, too old, and a million other too’s for their little baby. Whatever negative adjective you’ve been saddled with, trust me, eating copious amounts of fruitcake is the way to go. 

Because:

In the two and a half decades I’ve been alive, I have never, not once, ever met anyone who liked fruitcake who wasn’t a mom or a dad. I’m pretty sure only parents are even capable of enjoying it; it’s coded in their DNA. These past few months, several of my friends have begun settling down and starting families (a few of them are even doing it on purpose). Aside from making me feel way too old (and terribly guilty that a girl I went out with a couple of times in college is now a mother and here I am still drinking milk out of the carton), they’ve also started serving fruitcake at their place whenever I pop over for a visit.

Clearly, eating (and liking) fruitcake is an undeniable sign of maturity, levelheadedness, and all the other things parents are always talking about. While your significant other might be gone forever, at least you can prove to yourself that your (or his) parents were wrong about your relationship.

3. Of the Great Wall of China

3

You Should Eat:

Halo-halo. Lots and lots of halo-halo.

Because:

As the seven (so far) Mano Po movies prove, this specific kind of discrimination, that’s part racial and part-socioeconomic, still continues to exist today. It’s odd how in an era where we’re sending robots to Mars and Ellen Adarna’s instagram account exists (filled with 15 second workout videos that promote world peace) that this sort of thing still happens.

Halo-halo is particularly suited to comforting those who’ve failed to scale the Great Wall. It’s delicious but also quite effective salving the bruises to your heart and personal dignity. No matter what a few narrow minded people might believe, the Halo-halo only serves to reaffirm that melting pots are a good thing.

Or you could just eat ice cream with chopsticks. “Wait, Lars,” you protest. “Ice cream with chopsticks? That’s stupid.” Exactly.

2. They Want to Become a Priest

2

You Should Eat:

Better Than Sex, a type of chocolate cake that’s made extra decadent and sexy by being soaked and saturated with condensed milk and caramel.

Because:

Here’s what you do, first bring a few slices to your (former) lover and invite him to eat it with you. Share. It’s okay, let him enjoy himself. While he’s savoring the rich choco-caramel orgy happening in his mouth, his fingers sticky from the random drips of milk and caramel that would fall every time he takes a bite, casually mention how wrong the cake’s name is.

Then, you take out the Better Than Sex cupcakes and start eating them two at the same time in front of the poor dude.

1. They Cheated on You

1

You Should Eat:

A big-ass ice cream cake. One so big it requires actual engineering knowledge to construct, with multiple tiers, and levels, and enough frosting to build a winter wonderland in your kitchen if you wished to.

Because:

It’s too big to eat by yourself, so go call up your closest friends to eat it with you. Their love and support are crucial at this point in your life. Have a sleep over; you’re already in your pajamas after all. You can all spend the night together watching scary movies, ordering bagnet, and badmouthing your ex. Feeling better afterwards is mandatory, the giggly slow-motion pillow fights in skimpy sleeping wear is optional.

Bonus: You Cheated on Him

Bonus

You Should Eat:

Dunkin Donuts’ classic choco-butternut donut.

Because:

You know that special mixture of regret, shame, pain, and disillusionment you got the first time you tried to buy the classic choco-butternut donut and the lady in the purple and orange shirt said they’ve been phased out? That’s sort of what your ex felt when he found out about what you were doing with your officemate, only around ten million times worse.

Hurts don’t it?


Are there any other break-up scenarios I missed? Any questions? Comments? Violent declarations of love to your secret significant others?  Leave us a note below!

[Photos via AWW, JoyceIraCooks, TheMotherhood, RasaMalaysia, tumblr, browneyedbaker,  torontoist.]

Lars Roxas Lars Roxas Laurence is a twenty-something turtle pretending to be a writer. In the past, he has worked as a warehouse clerk, Apple genius, martial arts instructor, copywriter, editor, english teacher, and personal trainer. He can’t swim or ride a bike, but he's done Judo on three continents. He has an MA in Creative Writing from the University of the Philippines, Diliman. Occasionally, his stories appear in real actual books. He makes awesome waffles. FOLLOW
27 comments in this post SHOW

27 responses to “7 Desserts to Eat for Every Kind of Break-Up”

  1. Llyann Itay says:

    i needed these yummy pieces of advice,,, glad not anymore! LOL the ‘ice candy’ advice is the best! i thought of something else! (maybe u need to practice your ‘mouth skill’)hahaha

  2. shark says:

    HAHAHA thats a good one, your site never fails to make me smile 🙂

  3. coni says:

    🙂 Funny.
    Where do I get the pavlova?

  4. Traciethediva says:

    Haaa? Dunkin Donuts Choco Butternut is no more?! I’m rushing to the nearest store to check and possibly throw a tantrum.

  5. Katrina says:

    Serious question. Did Dunkin also phase out Choco Honey Dipped donuts? Because I stop by every single branch I pass by at the mall or supermarket and palaging wala. And I’m to scared to ask the salesladies because of the potentially heartbreaking answer and the hissy fit that would follow.

  6. carina says:

    I hate you Dunkin Donut. You cheater! :))

  7. babsicatn says:

    panalo ka talaga lars!!! never failed to make me laugh even at these tough times.

  8. Essie Atienza says:

    No more choco butternut? Say it ain’t so. 🙁

  9. Nikki B says:

    So, I ran downstairs to the DD stall just to check the Choco Butternut news. According to the one manning the booth, it still exists. Choco Butternut is alive, albeit more expensive, with a drizzling of chocolate syrup at the top. It’s at Php 35/piece now. The munchkin versions are still alive, as is, without any other fancy schmancy décor. The one manning the booth said, as per their memo, Choco Butternut increased price to absorb increase in raw material costs. It was either that, or scrap it off their menu.
    Let me eat my half-dozen choco butternut munchkins in peace now. 🙂

    • Lars Roxas says:

      that’s what i mean though, wala nang basic or classic choco butternut. ung puro chocolate embellishment syrup stuff nalang sa taas na mas mahal (at maliit)

  10. D Camacho says:

    Hey! I happen to LIKE fruitcake! :))

  11. Denise Nery says:

    Very witty. Haha!

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  14. koko says:

    Why is this article written in a woman’s point of view, considering the writer is a guy? Nonetheless, it’s really witty. Lars does not disappoint!

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